2220 Arts + Archives,  2220 Beverly Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90057. The sign reads Astrid Sonne + Flora Yin Wong. I showed up late. As I walked in the door it felt like the show might’ve already been over. I tell the two ladies at the front my name and they tell me I'm good. I walk through the big door into a room that feels like a movie theater. The lights are off and everyone is seated, except those standing by the wall. I stand by the wall as well. Astrid Sonne is standing on the stage. She has a cute haircut, dark pants, and a pink top. She looks like my size. She's accompanied by a cellist whose name I can quite remember. It's Astrid's show so does it even matter. For what it's worth the cellist looked better than any other cellist I've seen at a show. I was late so when I saw the two of them on the stage I realized they were in the middle of one of my favorite songs from the record. Do you wanna fades out and the crowd jumps up in applause? 

This felt like my first concert. The room felt different. I had never been to a contemporary musical performance that was seated. I stood by the wall for a while but decided I wanted to be among the audience. So I sat too. The sitting aspect made the show better. It gave space for her performance. A concert can be art and not an activity. I had never thought about that before. The art of it all can be mutual too, at least I think so. In that room, I felt like we were both of service to each other. She is a performer there to display and present her work. Her art. Her thoughts and herself. I am the audience there to receive said art and interpolate it in whichever way I want. I like that. I've never been to a show that felt like it had the space for someone to exist like that. I want to bring that to my shows. I don't know how to yet. I decided to be an audience member and let the night take me away. 

I got swept into the fantasy of it all. The way it toyed with my desires. The way desires started at my eyes but washed all over me. The way it felt like in that room my desires could be actualized and I could be anyone and anything could happen. That excited me. Lately, I've been thinking about how I want my desires to be actualized with my eyes. I like the idea that someone might be able to feel my desires just from my eyes. Constance Debré helped me understand that is something none of us can run from. So I started asking myself why try. Male Gaze. why not just live with it? Why run from something I can't stop? In my opinion, my male gaze knows no gender binary. My gaze is for everyone. Men, women, animals and more. I love to look it's what I live for. Richard Kern Said, “Sometimes I walk around outside and just take photos of people on the street. It’s like collecting friends, except they’re not my friends.”. This is my experience per se but It resonates with me. When I leave the house I’m leaving sure to do something but also to live amongst the fantasy of strangers. 

Astrid Sonne is a stranger to me. I am a fan of the art she put out into the world. That is my relationship to her but last night seeing her in the world made me question if that could change. For 45 minutes last night, I thought that I could love Astrid Sonne. That she could be someone I could know. That we could be peers, friends, lovers anything. Another quote from Richard Kern that I loved was, “He’s walking around, he sees someone, and he just falls in love with them instantly—and then walks right past them.” It is a quote of a quote he loves. To me, it's life in words.  Today my relationship to Astrid Sonne is the same as it was before the show I just might be a bigger fan of her art now. “It didn't take long for me to love her. First her body. Then the rest of her. The week after that I didn't love her anymore. I ended it via text.”. Constance Debré does such a beautiful job depicting the excitement of fantasy and how quickly it can dissipate. No love lost, simple just moving onward. When I walked through the doors last night and saw Astrid on stage it was love. When I walked out through those same doors that love was over. I left. 

• On not labeling yourself, an Interview with Richard Kern: This is the interview I pulled the two Richard Kern quotes from. I loved it
• Playboy by Constance Debré: This is the second book I've read by this author in the last month. I love her perspective so much. I feel changed by her and excited to read whatever she does.
• Great Doubt by Astrid Sonne: I love this record more and more as the days go by.