I was supposed to go to yoga this morning but I overslept. I slept like shit. I think something must be happening in my head at night. Somehow I’ve fucked up my back and neck. I have no idea what I did. Now I can't turn my head without moving my entire body. I was hoping that today I’d wake up and feel way better. Today I just feel more or less the same as I did yesterday. Part of me feels like today might already be a wash. I can't let that be true. I also don't want to feel like this all day. I’ve never felt my spine take up so much space in my body. Now I feel it inside of me like they just put it in two days ago. When I move I can feel it move with me. I don't like that. I missed when I wasn't thinking about my spin.
The way I feel today—this pain. This yearning for it to dissipate. Longing to remember what it felt like before I woke up like this. The way it makes you feel crazy to know that 3 days ago you woke up feeling normal and now you feel like this and don't know why. It makes me think of how dramatic I can be when I have a cold. More recently I shared this feeling over the distress I felt over the collapse of a friendship. All this has left me trying to understand the fear that pain or discomfort cause. Why does it always play with this idea that things will be like this forever? I know that next week my neck will be fine I hope. This is where I should bring in a quote from some article I've read that talks about something similar. I don't have any source material on this topic that's not my life. My neck hurts and I have a headache and I simply wish I couldn't remember having either. I just want to wake up tomorrow and be able to get out of bed with ease.
Something about this symbolizes the need to go through one last tiny inconvenience before one can truly move forward. Last week was stressful but the weekend washed it all away. At least that's what I thought but Monday I woke up and felt like this. Then Tuesday came and it got worse. Today it's a little better but more of the same. I’m starting to think the pain of this is a reminder that the pain of last week must be felt. I’ve decided that I didn't want to think about last week, I wanted to move on and act like nothing happened. It's so much harder to do that when you can't move. My body has slowed me to a crawl and the only way to think the pain away. Is to try and believe it's for some greater purpose. I guess time will tell!
- Rid of Me by PJ Harvey Live On The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1993): This video is awesome. PJ Harvey is my muse.
- Heavy Traffic IV: I read a story in here last night by cara schacter and I enjoyed it. If you can find a copy you should pick it up. I should say I hate the design of the journal though.
- feels like i'm changing by Keni Titus: I like this song. I like what this music is. Guilty little pleasure.
