The desires I have now I no longer want. As Tracey Thorn from Everything but the Girl once said, “I want to spend huge amounts of time on my own”. Last night I told someone I wished I was a nun—mute of all my human desires set free and alone to focus on the things in front of me. Here I stand the opposite wanting the warmth of someone's palm on my bare chest and so much more. Why? For the first time in my life, I feel pretty content in my alone time. I’m sitting with myself. Somedays are harder than others but overall it feels good! There is no mask I want to put on I feel proud of who I am and my uniqueness. 

Still, there is this unsatiated feeling at my core. unwavering desire. All these desires for things I don’t have. My idol Sinead O'Connor went as far as to name an album about this concept with her 1990 LP, “I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got”. I do not want what I haven't got. I don't want it. What do I want? I guess sometimes I just want to be left alone. Without my desire, I’d be a fragment of myself though. All of these desires I have made me a person unfortunately and they provided me with much of my uniqueness. 

In the eyes of myself, I’m a sinner. All of my sins are my desires and one of the deadliest sins I possess is my desire for fame. I want to be famous. It’s been one of the biggest driving factors in my life for 20 years. At 8 years old, I sat at a desk in Ms.Uereb’s class and decided I wanted to be famous. This desire has changed slightly but has remained one of the strongest throughlines in my life. As a naive child, I thought it could save me from the life I was living. Looking back boy was I wrong. This began the feeding ground for all of my desires to come. Here I lay still with this desire to be saved but saved from what I found myself asking lately. 

I’ve run into a brick wall of self recently. A wall that won't let me move in any other direction. I simply am who I am. There is nothing that can save me from myself. That seems to be the thing I’m trying to outrun nowadays. I can not escape all my desires by becoming a plumber. It might help me avoid my desire for fame. It won't help me escape from my desire for love, connection, or sex. All of these things that make me a person. I’m running out of time today but I will continue to cycle back on this. However, as I sit here about to get ready for the job I hate. I do wish these desires were things I didn't possess. Knowing that this desire for closeness and intimacy looms over my day only makes the workday harder to get through. 

• The Farmers Wife: I’ve been thinking so much about being American here's another slice of that
• Not Just Yet by Enumclaw: Yes there is a new Enumclaw song out today. Please go listen 
• Bomb Magazine: I just found out about this mag. I was sold by their fellowship section of the site. Please also give this a glance 

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