Today I woke up at 9 Am. I know I didn't sleep well. I haven't been sleeping well for a while. I don't know what that's about. I can't sleep on my back. A big goal for me right now is to learn how. As I made my coffee this morning I felt a weightlessness I haven't felt in a very long time. Maybe I’m free. Something happened to me 5 years ago that changed me. I've been desperately trying to escape it. I tried to become something new. Today I feel like the old me. Right now at the moment, I have no fear. I don't fear my desire. 

Over the weekend I went to Spokane Washington for the first time. I arrived by myself and I left by myself. Over the 36 hours I was there something changed in me. It took me somewhere and spun me out new. I've been into the idea that you can write yourself free lately. That's what a lot of this is for me. When you write you have to be honest, even in “fiction”. Whose to say this isn't all fiction right? I learned during the beginning of covid that you can also walk yourself out of anything. So in Spokane, I walked. 

I walked to breakfast and eavesdropped on people conversation. I walked to the mall. I walked until I stumbled on what was for me. I found my way to a great bookstore. I bought the book I’d never heard of but the one that felt like it was for me. It was. I read it in a day and a half. Beautiful book it was. I took it with me as I walked. I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be but never felt like I was lost. I don’t have any friends in Spokane, It was just me, myself, and I. I've never known a freedom like that. I always thought I’d hate that. 

For the first time, my aloneness doesn't feel like loneliness. I wished I had someone to talk to while I put syrup on my pancakes. Aside from that, I didn't desire to spend that time with anyone else.  that felt powerful. I want to continue to embrace my desires in the way that the old me did. He’s the reason I’m here talking to you. 5 years ago someone made me question myself, today I never want to let that happen again. Right now it feels good to be alone and I’m enjoying that. I know I have desires that will make it hard to stay alone forever so I’m going to take advantage of the time while I can. 

• My Anti-Aircraft Friend by Julie: I listened to this while I walked and I liked it a lot. I liked it. 
• Love Me Tender by Constance Debre: I think this is my new favorite book. I want to reread it already. I bought it in Spokane because it was for me
• My Method Actor by Nilüfer Yanya: When I listen to this album it feels like the songs were made for me.