I always feel like the best version of myself when I’m actively listening to music. The world has changed a lot in the last 5 years and there are so many more options than music when you want something to fill the silence. Podcasts have become a huge part of my daily life. Like the people, I tell myself I am nothing like. I often get updates on what's happening in the culture via the 3 podcasts I rotate between. How Long Gone, Indiecast, and Democracy Now. When there aren’t new episodes from those three, Sometimes I try to fill my voyeuristic needs with podcasts I find less enjoyable. 

That's where I found myself this morning. At this point, I have this internalized bias that podcasts are easier and more productive to listen to. Music has become more of a treat. Like meat and potatoes versus dessert. All that fell crashing on its head today. Pacing around my apartment trying to find a podcast that fit. Getting more anxious by the moment I finally riched a moment of clarity and turned off the fucking podcast. Never has a podcast left me inspired, just annoyingly a little bit more informed. I often forget that the only audio that ever inspired me is music.

I poured my first cup of coffee and opened my email. Last night while I was at the rock show. My friend Alaska texted me that she had sent me a playlist of songs as references for my oncoming solo record. Consumed by the night I didn’t get a chance to listen before bed. Here I am at the bottom of this playlist feeling a new. I am present, inspired by what I  know and feel now that I didn't just a mere 45 minutes ago. What do you do when you just can't keep running anymore? You turn on that album your friends recommended to you. Turn off the noise and listen to what's happening. 

My time is often consumed with a multitude of distractions. Unable to be present and to be grateful for what I do have. Today In this moment I feel present. Will I make it to the end of the day feeling this way? Only time will tell but I promise I’ll try to get there! Throughout yesterday, I kept asking myself, “What out there that's making it so hard to be here with myself”. When I think about it there's nothing. I am simply scared of myself.

Lately, I’ve been struggling a bit more than usual. Finding it hard to find enjoyment in a slice of cheesecake let alone myself. In a very Aramis way, I’ve been blaming it on everything but myself. By the power that be at Whole Foods in Pasadena, CA I have recently met someone who feels like they might become a big fixture in my life. Her name is Michelle and she is 62 years old. Some things that she's said to me recently have been playing in my head on repeat at nauseating volumes. One of them is that “I need to learn to live in the world and stop thinking that the world needs to leave around me”. The second one is, “You are the problem, You exist in every room you enter”. These two sentences short in stature say so much more. They’ve slowed me down and have been helping me look inward the same way music does. 

• On Tuesday Night She Goes Out: This story is one of the most boring, what-the-point things I’ve read in a long time. Nothing happens.
• Your Own Becoming by Milly: I’ve been lucky enough to have this album for the last few months and its incredible maybe our generation’s Nevermind. Only time will tell!!!
• Go Directed by Doug Liman: I watched this movie for the first time last night and enjoyed it. Not new but is of a world I wish I was living in.