I want to play pretend in a way that turns my world into playdough. Last night I was part of a riveting conversation about how people are socialized and how that forces you to shut off parts of yourself. We also talked about how that translates in romantic relationships and how different at times that can be from platonic relationships. A lot was said and too much to try and give y’all a play-by-play recap of it. As soon as I opened my mind two things rushed to my head. The hook of MJ Lenderman's song She Leaving You and everything we talked about last night.

I know I’m not alone in this but I can’t stop thinking about the romantic relationships. For some reason, it's my north star I’m always circling back. Everything is wrapped up in the “game” of it all. How can you gamify love? That is so stupid to me. Maybe I'm acting older than I should be or I’m too nihilistic. I’d rather be alone than worried about when to text someone and tell them I had a good time after a date. There have been times when I’ve been convinced things didn’t work out with me and a girl because I texted that I had a good time on a date when I got home instead of waiting until the next day. A part of me still feels like that's really why It didn't work out. To me, the point of dating is to explore attraction and curiosity. By no means do I think you should cross anyone's boundaries but why dance around the exploration of knowing?

I’m not stupid enough to not understand that what I want might not exist anymore. Last night in the middle of our round table discussion. I overheard the conversation going on at the table across from us. This young woman proposed a hypothetical that didn't seem so hypothetical. She asked her table what they would do if, “ You were dating someone for a year and both had each other's location and one night one of you went out and turned off your location and didn't come home. Then the next day say that you stayed at a friend's house”. I got drawn back into my conversation before I could hear the response. One might be able to infer what the table said. Nonetheless, Adultery is no new concept but what is new is how standard practice it’s become to know where your significant other is at all times. I could never but is that a deal breaker to someone?

There is so much of this world that moves with and without me out there that I can't understand. The disconnect is so staggering I truly feel alien. It can be so hard to find people who are on the same or even a similar wavelength as you. I’d rather die trying to build my own world out of playdough than settle into the comfort of someone else’s. 

• Get Better (Live) by Flora: One day I dream of getting off the plane and seeing the beautiful island of Australia firsthand. Until then I have this.
• Henry Winkler Breaks the Curse of Stardom: I think about this almost every day. Such an amazing read. I’d love to meet Henry Winkler
• Amarillo By Morning by Spike Jonze: I wish people were still going on adventures that exist for longer than 24 hours