“Here there is nothing that does not see you. You must change your life.” Rilke’s Archaic Torso of Apollo. I saw this quote in May Sarton’s Journal of A Solitude. Those words sit on me like a child on Santa Claus's lap. I’m sitting in Molly’s diner in Spokane Washington. This is the first time I've picked up the book since the tour. I’m alone today. I flew into town last night after a two-hour delay. I came from LA alone and am waiting for the band to meet me in town tonight. 

We're playing a festival here tonight. This trip feels bigger than music and perfectly timed because of that. Last night I slept in a king-sized bed in an empty hotel room. Just Me, Myself, and I. Never has aloneness felt so good. To be in privacy changes the way that I think. I can be honest and rational with myself in a way I can't when my roommates are home. It's why I write songs when no one is home. I need to be safe from the thoughts of others. Just thinking about this now I could cure myself of this sickness if I could afford the alone time that I need. 

As I read that quote over and over again. I try to sink myself into what it’s telling me. this may change I think it’s saying something ive already known. To be alive and to step foot in the world is to be seen. This leaves me with two paths forward. I can be seen and continue to grow and change and watch my life unfold. The other option is to hide and be alone and never have to change. People see me. Some people don't like what they see when they look at me. I know that people love what they see when they look at me. I’ve never been good at accepting the latter. I’m too busy drowning in my shame. 

Despite my best effort all of this is so obvious to anyone whose been looking. I’ve never been able to hide. I guess it’s time I try to enjoy being seen. I think the alone time I’m having in this diner is important. Here right now I’m looking at myself. I’m not trying to figure out how to make myself smaller,  that feels good. 

• Last Coffeehouse on Travis by Bryan Washington: I read this last night on the plane and enjoyed it. I like that it took me somewhere else. 
• World of Light: Portrait of May Sarton: I love this insight into the woman behind the words. I wish I could sit with her
• Archaic Torso of Apollo by Rainer Maria Rilke: this is the poem, I’ll be sitting with this today

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