Welcome back to the Daily Dose of Milk. Writing on tour is harder than I thought it would be. Without any time alone it's so hard to collect your thoughts. Who knows if I’ve had any real thoughts of note in the last 30 days? Like most tours, I've returned home and I feel changed. This tour felt like one of the best Enumclaw tours yet. It’s nice to feel like something is working and people in the real world are connecting with your music in a real way. Part of me wishes I was still in that van on the way to a rock show. I know there’ll be more shows like the one we have scheduled for Friday night in Spokane Washington. I guess it’s just hard to settle back into the real world after living in a much simpler world for a month.
As I write this morning I’m still trying desperately to get my head on straight and enjoy being home. I’m in my room and the sun is shining. I will finish vocals for my solo album today and DJ a party tonight. On paper, things are going just fine. I could have some more money in the bank but I’m working on that too. Internal it feels like my life is over. I’ve been bogged down with anxiety like there are bricks in my shoes. Panic that feels like there's no way of escaping. My life tends to start falling apart when I think there might finally be a moment of reprieve. I am old enough to know that I have to take responsibility for the situations I allow myself to enter. I'm still naive enough to think I can find any safety in any decision I make.
How what feels safe is constantly in danger of being the exact opposite of that makes it hard to want to continue. It feels like I've known a life full of constant grief. Is this simply the life I deserve? Am I not good enough for safety or am I simply not allowed to attempt to grab what feels right for me in the moment? I think I’m too deep into the thick of it to know where I stand in any of it. Maybe I make bad decisions. This past weekend has broken my brain and now it feels harder than ever to draw together thoughts that make sense. What will happen next I’m simply not sure of. There's a huge part of me that doesn't want to do anything ever again. Maybe I’ll stop eating, Maybe I won't leave the house anymore, maybe if I’m lucky I’ll wither away. Things I can think about in a state of distress. I know somehow I will continue and soldier on. I desperately want to stop feeling so wrong for living my life. I know that only I can decide to not feel bad about who I am and simply embrace it. I just can't seem to find the strength to get over the hill. Sometimes I worry I won't.
I know I can find safety I just know it might not be as soon I need it.
- Boys Are Smelly: Sonic Youth Tour Diary, ’87: I can't stop thinking about Sonic Youth. Artistically I want something similar.
- Lifers, Dayjobbers, and the Independently Wealthy: A Letter to a Former Student: a friend sent me this and I thought it was a great read.
- Horses In My Dreams Live by PJ Harvey: I want this or I want nothing I don't know how else to describe it.
