I’ve watched a man take his last breath, so I know what death looks like. It rained, oh man, that night it rained. I knew it was over. The end of something is never sudden. I’ve known it's been coming far too long to act surprised. I think I’ve been grieving it for almost as long as I’ve had it in my life. I mean the hardest part of building something is keeping it going. So when it rained and the water started turning the dirt into mud I knew that this too was washing away.  I wanted to cry about it. I wish I would’ve. 

“We knew we couldn’t change the shit we were living in so we were trying to change ourselves.”. I guess that's what got me into this mess, to begin with. I wanted so badly to be anew I still do. The problem is this thing has changed me and now I’m ready to change again. I want to transcend the moment that I’ve already had. I want art at all costs. Like a blood oath, I’m ready to give everything up for this purist. It’s like a pacemaker. It's the only thing between me and death. I guess that's why all of this brings on the weight of grief. 

Someone over there told me that they had seen me with her. They had wondered why I hadn't gone back to America. I don’t know if I'll ever go there and not think about her. Maybe I only feel that way because I'm still grieving it. It still doesn't seem done. I thought I'd see her by now I thought she’d reach out. I thought something would happen for it to make sense for me to reach out. I sat down a few months ago to write her a letter that I never sent. A month or two after that I heard she moved. So the letter probably would’ve never made it to her anyway. That makes it easier to stop thinking about it. 

That used to help, as did thinking that people could change. They can’t, and I know someone is holding me at arm's length for that very reason. “I hated myself. I did everything I could to hurt myself.”. I know how to start over. I guess that's why I'm not scared. Before I left for the trip my roommate told me that I always leave at the right time. I’ve known him for 10 years. I’ve never know him to be wrong. 

• Waste In London: if you’re in London you have to check this spot out. Coolest thing ive gotten to see on tour maybe ever
• On My Mind Again by Ram: This song is awesome. I can't wait to see them live
• THE FIRST TEST by SPEED: I saw this live this weekend. It was amazing

‍