I Don’t think I have any self-worth. I told my therapist that two weeks ago as we were ending our session. I don't sit any further away from that statement now than when I said it then.
I think it's true. That was the first time I’ve ever said that out loud but I’ve felt this way for a long time. Since I said it I can't stop the phrase, “People won't pass on the judgment that I pass on to myself just because I am judgmental of myself” from bouncing around in my head nonstop. I’m afraid that I won't be able to find the truth in that statement. To me, as of now, that phrase is just a phrase. Words that I’ve pieced together to calm myself down. To allow myself to exist in the world in a way I currently can't. It’s not working. These words don't mean anything.

On Friday I left my house with a 15-hour work day ahead of me. My excitement for what might await me on my return home grew with the hours that passed, As I was out all day with only my flip phone. I knew that at the end of it all, I could go home and check my iPad and more importantly whether I had any new hinge notifications. At the time all of this did feel truly exciting. About a year ago I swore off hinge and dating as a whole. Until last week that had remained true. Something changed though, and I decided that I do want to date. I could still vaguely remember what it felt like to be close to a person. Hoping that the distance wasn't too grand and that maybe I could crawl my way back to that place. So off I went. I didn't inherently want to meet anyone from Hinge but thought it would be nice to see what's out there. Before I knew it I was swept up into the fantasy of possibility, and the fear of dating all at the same time. By the end of Friday night, the excitement dissipated and the fantasy of possibility was starting to fade into the background. 

My return to hinge lasted a total of 7 days. Sunday to Sunday. I think I had 15 matches. 4 convos and zero connections. What I walked away with was the embarrassment of having hope. Hope that something could've been out there for me. Maybe I’m ugly and the people in my life are to kind to let me know. I think if I were ugly I could live with that. Hinge has always made me ask that question. My luck on any of the dating apps has always made me stop in a moment of reflection. Reminding me that I am not in the same cohort as my peers. I hold no benefit in my quirkiness or simply just coming off as a boy. Maybe I’m placing too much thought on all of this. Back to the point at hand. I think my time on Hinge is the reason “People won't pass on the judgment that I pass on to myself just because I am judgmental of myself” won't leave my head. 

As I waited for my burrito tonight I found myself in a shame spiral that wouldn't stop. I had decided to leave the house under the guise of a tase of real-life fantasy of possibility. I have this recurring fantasy that one day I’ll leave my house and meet someone. We’ll both reach for the same book or chat in line while we wait for our food. simple but cute like that.  Once I was out there in the real world, it all crashed.  For an hour I tried to rally the troops to no avail. 8 call attempts. Two answered already busy with plans, the rest too busy to answer. So why was it such a surprise to me that everyone out in the world at 7 o clock on a Sunday night, seemed to have a partner in something? A friend, a lover, just someone who made them a them, a pair or a group anything but a single. I don't know why but suddenly it changed things for me. I started to feel singled out. I was the only single in a room full of pairs, groups, lovers, and friends.  I start to think of the judgment. In my mind, I tried to step ahead of it. Thinking that if I could think of it first I could block it. 

Then it hit me all over. That feeling. The way it changes you. The way you can feel it and taste it in your mouth at the same time. I’m alone. That felt shameful to me. Then my 7 days on hinge started to feel bad. It felt like everyone could see that I had hope and it went nowhere. The way they might have dissected my profile or the lack of time it was even afforded.  I don't know why I feel like people can see through me when I’m not sure if anyone sees me at all. Yesterday I asked Zach, I don't know how we became guys like this. As I walked back to my car tonight thats all I could think about. How did I become a guy like this? How did this happen to me? How did I get so small?  Sometimes I wonder if I should stop everything in the pursuit of understanding this. Sometimes I worry that even if I understood it, it still might be too late to change it, to fix it. Too late to stop it. What if I stay this small forever? What if I spend my life alone?

Desperate. I’ve been thinking about changing. Changing me. What if I got a hair transplant, or magically grew to 6 feet tall? Would this make me strong enough? Is change a way out? I don't know. Constance Debré said, “You have to keep your body strong. To get through the fear. Fear of desire, fear of love, all the fears. Then everything will be OK.”. I guess she’s right. If I was stronger, if my body was strong my fears wouldn’t ring so loud. So true. I can't step out of the quicksand of judgment. It holds me away from the gym doors. Torturing me with my desires. Keeping me weak. Keeping me without what they know so innately. In this state I don't feel like a man, I don't feel like a woman. I just pray that the torment doesn't make me look any less like a human. 

Right now I can't see my way into a world that doesn't seem for me. I feel too ugly for it all. Too small. I thought Constance could make me strong. She can help but in the end, she's not here. She's just the face on the cover of a book. The air gets harder to find and time just keeps going. I have no answers. I have no authority. Barely enough to have a dialogue about any of it. I want off the mary go round. Tonight I had to ask myself If I was still alive because… this is no way to live a life. 105 pounds. I wish I was. I'd be as small as I felt. Maybe I can write my way out of it or maybe this is just who I am. 

• Glady by Tirzah: I love how close they seem in this video
• Rodeo by Host Family: I hate to say it but I think I like this band
• Affection by Tirzah: I want to know her. She makes me feel so close to so much. To memories that fade. To memories that haven't happened yet she makes me feel closeness in a way I have no words for.