Conversation starts. Things you remember things you forget. It all leads to yearning. Yearning for beer, reminiscing about the way it makes us feel. How joyful life can be with a beer in hand. Fuck it alcohol in general. I should drink more. I should make more money before I do that. Fuck I love drinking. Car doors left unlocked we sprint into the corner store. We have acquired a beer and a smile. Car skirts off and we can’t wait to open a fucking cold one. If I weren't such a gentleman I would’ve cracked open one of those 12 miller high lifes as soon as the doors of the 4runner closed. The goal of the night was to have as much fun as possible. The means for the fun were friends, beer, and a DIY TV pilot premiere. 

One beer turns into two beers. Two beers turn into four. Laughs, handshakes, smiles, and hugs. The pilot is funny. I wonder if I would’ve thought it was as funny if I was alone. Things change and people move. Somehow some way we end up at ye rustic. Beers in the parking lot, beers in the bar. No cigarettes though. I love a good cigarette. What we talked about before she showed up I can't really remember. I was overcome with joy. I was focused on wings and trying to understand how our server could be so effortlessly beautiful. Then they entered. They came as a pair but one stands above the other in my mind's eye. 

What I want in a lover and what I want in a friend are the same. I don't have friends that are Taylor Swift fans at least that I know of. I also don't think I'm friends with anyone who has a dog I don't like. This is when I can start to remember the conversation. This time no yearning I was trying to get a point across. She is not shy she is very confident. She like most people thought my takes were ridiculous but was nice enough to humor me. We overtook the conversation and the tension built. Before I knew it everyone knew. She got up to grab another drink and as soon as she was around that corner the table looked at me. They knew I knew. There was a “vibe”. I couldn't have predicted that. 

They made me nervous. They told me to go after her and ask for her number. I told them I already was gonna. When she came back the vibe was different but not bad. Everyone's eyes were all over it. Now it had become something else. I could feel my friend's pressure on it. I got nervous as soon as Greg told her he thought we’d make a perfect pair. I wanted to say that. Now that I’m thinking about it that was when I realized I wasn't in control anymore. Now I was thinking about it. I got awkward and so did she. I realized I didn't have anything I wanted to say but I still wanted to be talking to her. So we talked and nothing important was said. Still, I know she's more interesting than most. I know she’s confident. So I tried to meet her where she was. I did something I hadn't done in LA before. I asked for her number. She obliged. I walked home. Played some songs off my phone speaker and thought about what was next. I thought about how I wish I wasn't thinking about her. 

Now It's a day later and I’m still thinking about her. My desires I can't be dishonest about anymore. I think a lot about what it all means. Not just in the context of this but in everything. Everything can mean nothing. Right now as I write this I’m trying to write my way through my desires. I desire to know her. To know what her house looks like. To know her smell. I’m looking at the photos she took on my camera and I know I have to ask her out. I feel like I don't know how but I do. Today Ben told me it's okay to have desires and to be honest about them. The trouble lies when you can't be at peace with not having those desires. If I am never privileged to know her so what? I probably wouldn't remember her name in a year. I think that's why I have to. So much of all this feels like it was already decided for me. I’m thinking about saying a few things. One was, “Hey after having two nights to sleep on it I've decided I could look past the swifte and dog thing if you wanna grab a drink on Monday!” or “Hey I’d love to see you again. Would you wanna grab a drink on Monday? I won't tell my friends you a swiftie if you don't (;”. 

I worry she won't respond to either. Thats okay. If that's the case I’ll think about it and then I won't. “You have to experience love, desire, sadness.”. By the end, I’ll have had all three, I've already one simply by just staying alive. 

• Saturday by Nitefire: I love Blur. I’m so glad that the boys are back. They're playing a show tonight check their ig. 
• Perfect by Alanis Morissette: this might be my favorite song. It makes me feel that nervous feeling. The one that you like but it's almost too much. Man, everytime I hear this song it take me to that winter. Winter 2021 all the change man I miss it. When I know I love someone I want to listen to this song with them
• Crisman by Crisman: who doesn't like some good old well-written indie rock?