I got a new tattoo yesterday to prove to myself that I could still change. I can change at least, so I thought. As I walked out of the tattoo shop i was swallowed up by who I am. I got two tattoos, one of a broken angel, and then the words I believe my life is art. The total cost of the two tattoos was $ 350. I gave the tattoo artist 460 dollars. Why did I do that I asked myself as I walked out. In my head, I had planned for the tattoos to cost 400 dollars, so a 60-dollar tip felt doable. A fair tip for a 350 dollar tattoo would have been 70. If I paid 420 for the tattoos, I would have felt like I had gotten a fair deal. Now I found myself in a Kroger's parking lot debating whether I should go back to the tattoo shop and ask for $ 40 back. I'm very happy with the two tattoos, but as I sat in that parking lot, I couldn't enjoy my new tattoos; all I could think about was that 40 dollars. I let that 40 dollars control me. I let it consume me. I am still thinking about those 40 dollars. I spend 40 dollars on magazines I never open. Why does this 40 dollars matter to me so much?

This is simply who I am. I can't let things go. I just let them dissipate.  It's easier to be consumed by the 40 dollars than the permanent change that I made to my body yesterday. I am different from who I was yesterday. My hair is longer, my beard is thicker, and now I have new scars on my body. Lately, there's been an abundance of new scars. If I can't change myself, at least I can change my body. I can be someone you’ll never know. How true is that really? I’m worried that I may never be able to change the things about myself that I want to change. I can change my body thought. I can make myself almost new. I can make myself into someone you recognize, but someone you know has changed. I wish that change could be real. I'm still unable to let go of things. I am not changed. I am someone who can't let things go; I just let them dissipate. 

My inability to change is true, but I know that it's not. I've changed so much, not just my body but my mind. I am now someone who gets upset when my generosity is enacted in a way that I deem as giving more than needed. I now believe that I am going to die alone, that my journey with romantic love has come to an end. I know I have scars on my body that I didn't have yesterday that I didn't have last year. I am changed. The Change in my life is abundant; it feels like I'm the only one who is witnessing it. When people see it, I don't think they understand it. I don't think they understand me. Lately ive been asking myself, What if I'm evil? 

I know that I'm evil. I know that I'm bad. I know what is true; I am not stupid. Those who have experienced my inability to let things go know that I am evil. Thats why they'll never see the change. They've found their way out. 

Here I stand in this knowingness of who I am. What I am capable of and the way in which my inability to change has made me evil. It's also allowed me to know that all things can end. “I don’t see why the love between a mother and a son should be any different from other kinds of love.” “Why shouldn’t we be allowed to stop loving each other?” why cant i remove the things from my life that need to end? Why not take it a step further and remove love from my life altogether? Why can't my pursuit of romantic love end? Am I not allowed to change? Isn't this the change that they want to see from me? 

I can't change i’ll always be who I was. It’ll follow me. Today it was 40 dollars. 3 days ago, it was Elmer’s diner and hope. It's never the thing its the idea. The idea that I've lost control and I have to ruin everything until that control is regained, or that there is nothing left.   Like a tree in a forest that has fallen. How can we know what's what if we weren't there to see how it was before? I don't want people to meet me in that place. I don't want people to know me because i dont want anyone else to know that I can't change. 

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• Blue Heron Directed by Sophy Romvari: I saw this movie a few weeks ago, and I loved it. I'm going to see it again this week. You can't save what has already been lost. Thats the beautiful sadness of life.
• There’s a Good Reason You Can’t Concentrate: I thought this was a great way to look at our relationships with our phones and social media
• Mountain Dew by Porches: this song is brand new, but it feels like I've known it my whole life. It’s so true