Fear is all around and talked about all the time but also not. A level of vulnerability is required to admit that you're scared or experiencing real fear.  Yesterday I felt true genuine fear that I was already trying to forget when the hum of the anxiety brought on by my morning coffee reminded me that it happened. 

I have a terrible time sleeping on airplanes. I very seldom fall into a deep sleep. It's the seat and its unwillingness to be any kind of comfortable. To combat this I’ve tried a few different things and found that taking a nyquil and edible usually is the key to success. Fast Forward to my band's two incredibly long travel days, this weekend to play a 45-minute set at a festival in Greenville South Carolina. Our travel day home started at 4 am East Coast time and I figured it’d be best to sleep the whole way home. 

We made it to our gate and as I stood there eager to get back to sleep I decided to take an edible and grab something to eat. Before I knew it we were boarding the flight twenty minutes later. As I got closer and closer to my seat I slowly started to realize that I was high. I was really fucking high and it felt like it came out of nowhere. immediately I was trying to ignore it and just get to my seat and sleep. I put my bag in the overhead bin and sat down in the middle of two strangers. One was eating French toast and watching the Joe Rogan podcast on her phone and the other was an unassuming older white man. 

As the plane doors closed they announced that boarded had ended and that they were about to prepare for take off. This anxiety started to swell in me and my high only got worse. I probably hadn’t been this high since the last time I took a dab like 7 years ago. I’m also sure the coffee I drank with breakfast wasn't helping my case. Trying my best to keep it together I only started to feel worse. Before I knew it I was consumed with fear. This fear that I wouldn't be able to make it through the flight like this. The more I tried to ignore it the worse it got and no more than a minute later I started to panic. 

On the verge of a full-blown panic attack, starting to think that I needed to say something and get off the flight before It was too late. I looked around to get a flight attendant attention when I saw Eli in the row behind me. There was an empty seat next to him and I forced my way into it thinking that I was the only way out of this nightmare I’d brought on myself. As soon I sat down that became true as almost instantly my panic dissipated and I was fine. For five minutes yesterday morning, I felt genuine fear. What it was about I’m still not sure. It did remind me that most fear is often about nothing more than nothing. What do I even have in my life to be fearful of? 

• Janet Planet: I had been eager to see this movie since hearing about it and it did not disappoint. I loved it! If you can please go see it while you can
• Wave has a place by Babehoven: I saw them play this song at their LA show a few months back and haven’t been able to let it go since
• The Kidnapping I Can’t Escape: I read this store a few days ago on my lunch break. It feels like a much better and more articulate version of what I want to convey in a lot of these entries. I highly recommend giving it a read.