The Key is to be honest. I've deleted everything I've written in the past five days because I keep lying. I am a liar. There’s no perfect way to say anything so you might as well say it. 

“I don't want to be a slave, I don't want to be a whore, I don't want to be lonely and without love for the rest of my long life. I’ve got to find out how I got so fucked up.” 

I’m so lonely I could die. I’m so lonely I could kill myself. There is no escape from this prison. I must figure out how I got so fucked up. The walls start closing and I want to go home. None of these people are any friends of mine. This is a truth. The lies came when I thought people might read this as a call to action. It's not that. You can’t put life into what's already dead. That’s not what hope’s for. I’m searching for acceptance. That's what my therapist said before she said she wasn't sure if she should keep seeing me. 

I too can be so naive. I had hope once. That something, someone, anything could ‘save’ me. I can't be saved.  I saw Anora tonight. Yes someone who comes off strong can be desperate. I know because I am. I’m desperate, I thought on Thursday as I walked up the stairs to my apartment. When you’re desperate you believe that something, someone, anything could save you. I don't know if the people in my life know I'm desperate. I think that's why my friend Kate doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I don't think she knew I was desperate. I was so desperate I was in love with someone who was married with a kid. I thought that could save me. It ended horribly. “I hated myself. I did everything I could to hurt myself.”

Love won't concur all if it's one-sided. I too once hung on every word of those who I thought could save me. When your belief turns into pain there is nowhere left to go. Not with all that embarrassment. It's all over your face. You can't hide that. It's best if you stay inside. “We knew we couldn’t change the shit so we were trying to change ourselves”. Anora tried to be ani. In the end, she was still just anora, Still living in the same shit. What if I can't change? What If I can't change myself? If my life never got any better than this I’d kill myself. “I hated myself. I did everything I could to hurt myself.” “I hated myself. I did everything I could to hurt myself.”

“I hated myself. I did everything I could to hurt myself.” “I hated myself. I did everything I could to hurt myself.” “I hated myself. I did everything I could to hurt myself.” “I hated myself. I did everything I could to hurt myself.” “I hated myself. I did everything I could to hurt myself.”

“I don't want to be a slave, I don't want to be a whore, I don't want to be lonely and without love for the rest of my long life. I’ve got to find out how I got so fucked up.” I am a liar. I still can't make out what any of these means. Last week I woke up lost. For no rhyme or reason. I guess like always things get to a point. Now I’m more lonely than I care to deal with. I’m angry about it. I've been trying to go on walks in silence to wrap my head around it. I can't. I can't do anything. I just have to wait until the loneliness dissipates. Sometimes I fear it won't. 

I know I can say this better. Please bear with me I got keep writing through it.

• Revelation big sur by Red house Painter: This song is so fucking good
•  Wrong Number by Hotline TNT: Things can be as simple as we want them to be
• Anora Directed By Sean Baker: I saw this movie last night and I loved it. It says more than I could say today.