I was so lonely that I called my mom. I wanted to tell her but it didn't feel appropriate. So I asked about Thanksgiving. She didn't say anything and we got off the phone. I’m at a loss. I know how to be annoying but I don't know how to be any less lonely than I am right now. Every day it gets worse and when it swells I can feel that the hole has gotten deeper than it was last time. I have hope but still, I feel hopeless. I cried. The tears are still on my face. They are just cold and sticky now. I don't know what to do when it gets like this. Everyone is home for the holidays or busy. Here I am feeling like “I need somebody”. It's tricky though. How can I need someone when there's no one to need? Sometimes when I can't get a hold of someone I stop and think that if I had gotten a hold of them it would just make me feel worse. I don't know where the truth and the lie in that statement begin to separate. It's a thought that I have though. Sometimes I feel stupid for moving here. I can tell in my “new” friends' disdain for the way I am that nothing changed but my zip code. I hover around but still lack the personality that is required to be a necessary maybe even desired piece of the pie. Things aren't always so black and white people in my life keep saying. I know that's a half-truth though because what's true is true and what's fiction is true too.
Lately, I feel like I could die on the couch and no one would know for a week. My roommate comes home Monday so that statement is more true if you read this a week ago. I've been in therapy long enough to know that this is not “true”. The trouble I have with trying to stop seeing the world in black and white is that my reality seems to keep playing back to me in black and white. No one seems to be able to bring any color to the forefront. I can only speak to the reality that I know and experience. The way the loneliness has turned physical has created this cycle of unwanted validation. Now I can’t tell if the thoughts in my head are true or if the fact that nothing and nobody is coming in to say that they are not true means that they are true. I’m in a hole that I don't know if I can bring myself out of. I've never been this far gone. It’s boring to be sober. For the first time in my life, I wanted to drink when the loneliness came tonight. I know that after that beer and 30 minutes, the loneliness will be worse. I still wanted to have a beer and a cigarette though.
Age makes me think that if you live long enough eventually you do everything you say you’d never do.
Lately, I’ve been imagining that I have cancer. That it's already inside me. Slowly changing me. Taking me away. Sometimes I get scared that just the thought of that. That the fact that those thoughts live in my head will actually bring cancer into my body. I can’t control what I think. I also believe that you can think things into existence. I did write enough songs about having a baby that I earned myself my very own abortion. I still can't watch Dreamgirls. It would make sense to me though. I don't think I’ve slept solidly through the night once in the last 4 months. I can’t sleep past 8:30 to save my life. I keep getting these week-long spasms from the base of my skull down my spine that make it hard to move. I want to do heroin but people say you can't find it anymore. I don't want it enough to go looking though. Life is more fun when you making a mess and doing things wrong. I was never this lonely when I was too concerned with destruction. The damage of chaos never made me cry like the loneliness of today has. For 5 seconds today, I thought about trying to fuck my friend. I thought that maybe the chaos of that could mask this hole. Give me a few weeks to pretend it's not there. I don’t want to fuck that friend. I don't even want to know them anymore. So I just cried.
