I want to do what I want to do when I want to. As my coworker put it, “I don’t wanna work. I just want to chill. I want to drink my smoothie and go to my workout classes.” It makes me laugh whenever I imagine her saying this back in my head. It’s funny because I know she was serious. It can be so much more frustrating when you’re unable to do what you want to when you have to assist someone in doing what you want. Fuck working I’ve spent the majority of the last year unemployed and It was awesome. I just want to make art. I do not want to make smoothies for people who treat me like a sim. Sometimes I want to indulge in excessive and be consumed by my desires. 

I don’t have that privilege right now. I have to figure out how to come up with 2500 bucks every month. With that money, I can afford to keep my lights on long enough to start to think about how to do it all over again. It’s exhausting and the pressure I feel to do it all over again to change me. I worry that it is making me small. Hope for something grand, life-changing, or even exciting has often slid into the hope of being able to pay next month's rent. I dream of a day when this isn’t something I hope for. I don’t think about it anymore. 

The effects these kinds of things have on people are always different. Some people find acceptance in the cards they’ve been dealt a lot faster than I have. I’m constantly in denial praying for something to change. Sometimes I think someone might save me. I stand in the juice bar at Whole Foods preying that someone might walk in and save me. I’ll be long gone before that happens. In two weeks I’ll return to being unemployed. Finally my time will be placed in my hands and the stress of my fiances will stay the same. My idol Sinead O'Connor once said, “It makes no difference”. 

I know everyone is feeling the way I’m feeling. I find peace in the time I spend complaining with my co-workers. No one wants to work, but I know most people will get up and head to work tomorrow. I’ve been ready to burn it down and rebuild it how I see fit. That's no easy task. I deleted my Instagram and now I feel like I’m in a world of my own. Today it didn't feel like it was for the better. I miss the illusion of a connective and parasocial relationship with my crush.  I told myself I was going to call out of work the next two days. Will that feel good because it’s what I want to do? I’m worried that I’ll feel bad because I know it's not what I’m supposed to do. When those two ideas are linked it's hard to know how to make sense of any of it. What is the right amount of balance between excess and moderation?

• The Feeling That Time Time For Doing Something Has Passed directed by Joanna Arnow: I’m a stan. I love that this feels so cerebral 
• Today's Iconoclast by Horse Jumper Of Love: If I'm being honest I can't get this guy out of my head. Who is he why is he this good? Why did I just find out? I hope to know him
• How To Blow Up A Pipeline directed by Daniel Goldhaber: I saw this movie in theaters over a year ago and it is still one of my favorite movies I’ve seen since then. I think it’s on streaming check it ou