One date turns into two if you're lucky. I guess I’m lucky. The second date makes me want the third one to be tomorrow. It makes me wish the second date was still happening. After the first date, I didn't know if I wanted there to be a second. That was cause I didn't want to have hope. There were no fireworks. It was just simply a good time. I laughed a lot and so did she. I didn't want to get in my head about it though. I didn't want to lose control in the process of welcoming the unknown back into my life. That's no way to live. I saw the sunset on Thursday and the next day she hit me up. I guess I was meant to see her at least one more time. So I did. Now I’m filled with all this desire. Desire to know. 

For days before our first date, I was so nervous. I couldn't sleep and it felt like I was wearing my stomach like a shirt. I was terrified of her. In earnest, I hadn't been on a date since December 5th, 2023. I had no idea what I was doing. What would I talk about with this stranger? Would she be mean to me? I quietly remind myself that she wouldn't kill me. She didn't. She’s incredibly easy to talk to. I think the warmth in her smile could calm a lost child. Tonight she said she could be incredibly cold if she wanted to. I liked that. I like that I don't know her. Nothing she says reveals who she is all at once. Inch by inch things move. She is not like me and I’m not like her. 

There's a question I want to ask her that I’m scared to voice. I laid in bed and wrote down questions I wanted to ask her before our first date. I can't remember what I wrote but they all had to do with knowing her. The question I want to ask most now feels too big to ask at once. It is a question I know she can't answer. She can only show me. My desire to know her is going to make me ask her out for a third date. If I walked away now because there has yet to be something that lights up the sky like those on those boats on the 4th of July. I might not ever know what it feels like to hug her for longer than I have. To understand the things that are important to her. To really know her. 

I already lost control when I asked her out. I’d be a fool to believe that I could get it back. I’ve played that game before. Now I want new. I want to take on a new challenge. One where I simply let something unfold however it does. I’m not stupid. This girl could mean nothing to me. She could also mean the world to me. That is none of my business though. I’m simply here to actualize my desire. I desire to know her. Where that leads me is where I’ll go. Someone once said, “To know you is to love you”.  Well, what happens if I love a stranger? 

• Is this Desire by PJ Harvey: I mean is it?
• The Enduring Power of Peter Hujar’s “Portraits in Life and Death”: read this on the plane this weekend and loved it. Sometimes what is happening now can't be seen until it's out of context. 
• River by Joni Mitchell: When I got home I had the urge to send her this song. I didn't but maybe I will soon.