I dream of big bountiful love and being able to pay my rent by making art in the same sleep. I dream while standing up and lying flat, eyes open and closed. I dream. I often want to live inside my mind's eye. I want to be in the place that I’ve dreamt of. Where I can be in control and where things can feel safe. Sometimes the only thing stopping me from blowing my head off is the distance I am from that place. I fear if I get too far from it I won't make it. It’s the only place I want to be. My dreams and reality overlap from time to time, in small ways I don’t always notice. When I do I have the hope that I can live there forever but I can’t.

I’ve been thinking about the idea of safety. What does it mean to feel safe? In my dreams, I'm protected from shame and judgment. I’m free to be round and vulnerable. In my dreams, I can be who I want to be. Sometimes that person is 6’3 and confident. Sometimes I save indie rock from an active shooter. Once I think I even woke up next to the love of my life in a dream. I can’t make out her face but I remember how she felt. Why is the place so constant but always at arm's length? What does it mean? Why did I dream last night that some girl told me I couldn't sit on the ground in front of the library ATM? Then I asked her if she was a cop and got sent to adult detention in the back of the library. What am I trying to tell myself?

No one ever knows what anything means. I can’t tell you what any of my dreams are about. I do enjoy that no one dying to know either. There's no risk in a dream because you’ll always wake up. While on the phone tonight a friend said something that rattled around in my head long after the call ended. I was talking to hear about a girl I had seen at two parties this weekend. I told her I thought this girl could be “the love of my life”. I’ve said this more times than I’ve meant it. This time I stand by what I said.In my dream, I would’ve walked over to her and made her smile, we’d get lost in the night together and live to tell the kids about it. In reality, I was too scared to approach. 

Upon hearing that I didn’t even speak to the girl. My friend said, “Maybe it’s better that way. She’ll stay perfect in your mind forever”. I hate that she said that. It’s true thought, If I never see this girl again I can turn her into the girl of my “dreams”. Since seeing this girl in the wild I’ve retreated to my favorite place. The “ What If?” zone. Thinking of what I’d say to her in my dreams if I saw her again. What if she came into my job that next day, Then I’d say “Omg it’s you I was worried I’d never see you again. She’d eat that up and we run off into the sun. The story goes on and on in the delusion of a dream. In reality, this is simply a girl who I want to have the chance to know. Something about her in that moment seemed worth knowing more. I might not like this person, they might not like me. I do know, I’ll never know them If they only exist in my dreams. 

I’m still asking myself how I live in the moment and have the confidence to know this person. Would it have killed me to say hello?

• Who Is Gabbriette? Meet the Model ‘Brat.: I love that they did a lil vibe check here. Feels kinda like the “ who is ___ I always see them with so and so.”
• Carry Me Ohio by Sun Kill Moon: Someone made me a playlist last week and put this song on it. It makes me feel like I’m driving down River Road smoking a cigeratte. I miss home. 
• On the reality of publishing your first book: I came across this site via a Julia Jacklin interview and vist it often. I read this interview a few weeks ago and I’m still thinking about it. I head about I love dick for the first time in this.