8.17.2024

Recently I’ve discovered that there is power in true transparent honesty. I’ve also learned that if I can harness that honesty in myself I can take it places. I can spread it like ashes in the ocean. I can pour it into others and see how it grows and changes. I should write in this journal every day but to do that I have to be honest with myself. I find that hard to do even in the privacy of my journal. It doesn’t always feel as safe as I need it to here. I had to take a break before I could be honest here today. Over the past few days, the band and I have been visiting friends in _____. When this trip was decided on I had an equal amount of excitement for the many things we’d do during our time there. In the end, we didn’t do much more than see some familiar faces and aimlessly drive around the city in a loop. Amongst all the familiar faces one in particular tugs at a part of me that most can't access. That would be _____. I developed a crush on her during our previous tour. throughout the time we spent together my desire to know her in a much more intimate way only grew more solidified. I truly desire to know her to the best of my ability. In the closest way that two people can know each other. With this newfound understanding of honesty, I am wondering if I should express my desire. Would it be to the benefit of the two of us? I fear it could deter the budding friendship we are building. Part of me wants to tell her but just like she said last night, “I hate when I can't tell if somebody likes me”. 

8.18.2024

Here I am back in the journal. I tried to write earlier but figured I’d be better after coffee. Here I am looking to be as honest as I was yesterday. I feel good about that today. I’m excited to continue to build on the power that comes from that honesty. I’ve been forced to sit with my loneliness for the past few days. With no object to place your desire on it's easy to lie. To tell yourself that those desires simply don't exist anymore. I was even starting to convince myself I could live the rest of my life without them. However, sitting across from a person I desire and feeling my human parts swell with need. I can no longer lie. I have desires. When those desires can’t be met I’m reminded of my loneliness. How alone and embarrassed I feel to be in this world. A friend recently asked me what we do when we become satisfied. I’ve never known that but I can hypothesize that satisfaction may be the end of the road for most. I know I could be guilty of that belief. A smart man could see the idea of satisfaction as the true beginning of exploring one's desires not the end of it. All these ideas are new to me but feel so known. I think for the first time, I’m understanding that I am human in the same ways those I look up to are. My humanness is a strength that I was born with not a weakness. I also think that not taking advantage of it would be a true weakness. It's all I have that can’t be taken from me. I think that's why I don't like _____. I can't see the exploration of his humanness on his face in the same way I can with most. I hate the things I can't understand. It feels like when the last piece of the puzzle doesn’t fit but there’s just one space left to fill.